Gratitude in Self
Today was the exact day I needed. My morning was slow and intentional, I got my baby ready for school and we left in good timing. After I dropped her off, I took a ride out to Coronado, went on a 3 mile walk, indulged in the ocean sounds, the sun, and the rolling fog of the marine layer. I guess it’s the California in me that lights up in the spring. The warmth of the sun, defrosting my skin. The rumbling of the waves, hearing them splash up against the rocks, and seeing them creep along the shoreline. My body was in the moment, my mind was fully present, and I felt like that was where I was meant to be. Right place, right time. On my walk back to the car, I thought about my dad. Before I left the house, he let me know that he wanted to head up to see my mom, and he’d be ready around 10am. It was early 9, and the inner debate started. “Leave now and get there in time, or take some more time for myself?” I ended up walking down the street to this spot on the corner that served breakfast. My body was hungry. I needed to eat, and I needed to take time for myself. Listen.
“If I want to do something, do it in that moment-not later.” I said it outwardly, and something in me felt a spark.
Over the past few weeks, ya girl has taken on A LOT. For those close to me (and now you), you know my mom has been in the hospital due to receiving a liver transplant. The Sunday following her surgery, my dad also went to the hospital because of a mild stroke. So not only has my time been split between making sure they’re straight, I’ve also got a 3 year old to take care of, ALONG with myself. Shit hasn’t been easy at all, and that’s why this space exists. To release and regroup. With all of this going on, my emotions were all over the place. I was frustrated with all of the phonecalls and outpour of “concern”. I was overwhelmed because not only did I have to stay as stable as possible, I had to still be a mirror for a whole child. I was upset because I had to quit my job that I enjoyed to step back and care for my parents. I felt myself sacrificing more than I was receiving, and it did something to me.
Over the last year or so, I’d been asking God for bigger problems that I could manage. My prayers were absolutely being answered. Not only was the test to see what I could withstand, it was also to see how I could turn all of this into something life changing. Not only for myself, but also a community. My community.
Now let’s double back to this mantra. “If I want to do something, do it in that moment-not later,” This is my way of showing my nervous system all of he love that it’s been asking for. This is me listening to what my body needs in all present moments. Honoring myself was the spark. Do what I want. Do it when I want. Do it in that moment. Although my world felt as though it was toppling over, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to manage if I didn’t take the time I needed for Myself. As cliche as it sounds, taking care of others also means taking care of yourself. Two things can be true at once. It’s absolutely possible to get lost in being there for others and watching yourself operate from the backseat. But if you’re in the backseat, then who’s the driver?
Listen to yourself. Give freely to yourself. Take time for yourself and get back out there in the world when you’re fully ready. Your time is your time. Love yourself, and know that I fuck with you off the strength o being human.