Let me tell you ‘bout me.

So le’s get the basics out the way. My name is Stefani (Stef-uh-knee), I’ll be 32 in a few days, I’m an independent mother to the coolest girl in the world. I’m a San Diego native, a traveler, and one of the coolest people I know (and I swear I’m saying this without ego). As a child, I was the silent observer, the one who sat back and barely ever spoke. My eyes were focused on everything around me, my ears were like the radio and I became wildly hyper vigilant early on. I grew up in that cool in-between of VHS tapes, CDs and CD players, AOL messenger, clear colored Apple products, Playstation (the first one), Mavis Beacon, dial-up internet, Limewire. ALL the good shit. During this time, my fascination with technology grew, so my aunt paid for me to attend a two week long computer camp, two summers in a row to learn to build websites with college students from Trinidad. They had the most fire accents, they put me onto Soca music and made me Trinidadian food. They shared every part of their life with me during that time, and I took it all in. At camp, we learned to code websites from scratch via Dreamweaver, so best believe my Myspace layout at the time was COLD. Hidden music player playlist and all.

I’m a jumper, and I’m glad you’re choosing to keep up. Childhood was a wild time. I was the youngest of the first set of grandchildren, and the furthest in age from just about everyone. I was the weird one. I liked playing in the dirt, in the grass, with bugs. I found peace in the small things, and the most peace in silence and time alone. I was never understood, and still to this day, I can say much hasn’t changed in that way. As I grew up, a lot of shit didn’t make sense to me. I saw my parents work hard and they never attained anything. They were stuck in a loop. I noticed their patterns, and I knew that I didn’t want to put myself through the same torture. My senior year of high school, we were kicked out of our “home” and that exact moment showed me that my entire world was disposable. Everything I knew was gone and moved in two weeks. That point changed my life forever.

School was always “whatever”. I was a good student, I did what I needed to do, but that shit was never exciting. The moment I received the declination letters from Point Loma Nazarene University, and UC Berkeley, I didn’t care to pursue college. Those were my only two options, so to be without both, I said “fuck it”. Reflecting back on it now, college wasn’t for me, it was for my parents. They wanted me in the medical field, they wanted me to do the big shit that they didn’t. It made sense at the time, but now….naaaahhh.

In 2016, I moved to Vegas following after my sister and holy shit, what a ride. It whooped my ass, both figuratively and literally. I became a raging alcoholic, I worked in the mental health field, I worked in logistics, I found myself trying to find myself in something that was completely unreal, I lost myself. My sister kicked me out for good reason, so I slept in my car, couch surfed, floor surfed, all of the things until I found a group of people to live with long term. Roommates type shit. That was a time. We partied, and drank, and partied more, and drank some more. Then the pandemic hit. We all lost our jobs, fight or flight kicked in, and the unknown hustler in me was awakened. I started trapping, getting my money the way I knew how, and the trajectory of my life took off in the craziest way. I got a spot, paid my rent up a whole year. I was having my way, but a little too much. I took advantage of people, I was still a shitty person, even though I had everything I could’ve asked for. I was wildly unhappy on the inside because of everything that led up to that point.

Now the tuning point? Motherhood. Motherhood via cryptic pregnancy at that. You know that show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”, well yeah, I could’ve easily been one of them. I was one of them. I was 36 weeks into motherhood, with not a bodily clue in the world. 3 weeks later, my daughter made it here and my entire fucking life changed. I know it sounds cliche, but that first look made me stop everything I was doing right at that moment, and I had to figure this shit out. I moved back home, I zoned in on her, I forced myself to do the work to become a better person, because we both deserved it. Her more than me. Work was spotty, but I hustled. I didn’t what I knew. Instead of a pack, it was cookies this time. Vegan cookies. Mama San’s Cookies. I became really good at that shit. I mastered it quickly, then about 6 moths ago, the fire burned out. I stopped baking, started a job, left that job, then walked out on faith. Here we are.

Since then, I’ve stood 10 toes on being the best mother I could possibly be, I’ve zoned in on my focus to be the self-made creative, innovative, empathetic, conscious being that I am now, and I can’t see my life any other way. My purpose is people, and this is where I’m at. All of the crazy career changes, all of my interests, all of the unlearning and learning, all of the polarity from being the most fucked up human, to being the one that cries at the thought of even thinking of being upset. Now, on the opposite end of being a shitty person, I absolutely look at myself and life differently. Today, I stand on all of the parts of myself that I’ve suppressed, I love them, I forgive them, and I’ve released them. I know Stefani from every angle. I’m open enough to share her from every angle. I’m safe to know who I was, who I am, and who I’m working on being. It’s not about duality, it's about harmony. And I’m grateful and thankful for it all.